6 Months Later… Helsinki Update

cherries and a good book. bliss.

I’ve never felt it so acutely before. The exact moment summer ended. Two nights ago I was getting ready for bed, face washed and brushing my teeth, when I rinsed my mouth out and spat it in the sink. I felt it as I saw it - summer, swirling down the drain with the remains of my toothpaste. Then again yesterday, walking home I noticed the light had changed. It’s subtle. Autumn isn’t here yet. The wind is still warm. It does not yet smell of the new season; nothing is crisp about the air. But the light has changed. Still golden, but white gold not yellow. The leaves are green, but they are tired. They want to become something new, and I can see them preparing.

For my part, I have been running around soaking in summer for all its worth. After the longest winter of my life, I would not waste a drop of the light-soaked days. I’m not usually afraid of the dark-cold but this year I am. After expending all that energy squeezing the zenith of summer, my body firmly insisted today that rest is required for continued vitality. So, it is from bed that I finally get around to writing this post.

I have lived in Helsinki for 6 months now. When I moved here, I wrote that I had resolved to fall in love with the world again. I wrote that the clouds had descended, yet to be lifted. I write now from inside a sunbeam, more in love with the world than I ever have been. I have a beautiful home overlooking trees, I practice yoga and meditate on my balcony. I delight in the tiny sauna in my bathroom. I have loved putting together a new home with help from recycling centres, fb marketplace and kind strangers. I still do not own a proper set of cutlery or more than one good mug, but these things take time. Helsinki sunsets enchant me. Walking on Mustikkamaa island, swimming in the Baltic sea and dancing in Töölönlahti bring me so much joy. My colleagues are kind, warm people that anyone would be so lucky to work alongside. Old friends have visited me, and I am slowly making new friendships. I have been away and come back to Helsinki feeling at home. I more confident, calm and free than I have ever been.

I am so grateful to past me for making the tough, scary choices. I am so grateful for her hard work, dedication and faith that somehow it would all pay off, even if she could not always imagine it. I am so grateful also to everyone that cheered me on, who loved me into this moment. To all the people that never had any doubts, even as I did.

gilded self portrait.

I always write more when I am sad or unsure. Writing helps me to process and as a forever emo kid, part of me relishes the angst. I feel that the scale of my happy/grateful/wonder/joy warrants a longer, more saturated blog post. But the simple truth is my joy and wonder defy words. Or rather, they don’t need them. They require another language, one made of dance, a long hug, a true smile, a languid stretch, deep laughter shared.

I don’t know what comes next, only that the wheel of fortune continues to turn along with the seasons. I have a few fun writing projects, some academic, some not so academic that I am currently working on and hoping to finish by the end of the year. But for now, I’ll go back to bed.